This time the special story of a mother who tells about her depressive feelings during her pregnancy. There is still a taboo on this subject, because how can you not be happy that you are pregnant? There are probably more women who suffer from this but do not dare to talk about it. Read her emotional story about this dark period.
Depressed feelings during pregnancy
Although my pregnancy was desired, I actually had no idea what to expect. Then the internet is your best friend. So many sites and forums about pregnancy and everything around it. Ideal. A big recurring theme is the big pink cloud. But what if you do not have that? I often joked that the cloud had flown past me when I hung my head in the toilet for the umpteenth time, but there was nothing funny about it inside.
My first pregnancy I have been largely nauseated on the couch. I did not like it. And that was not 'normal'. Well I have that often, the label is not normal but if you do not euphoric and radiant through your pregnancy is you insecure.
In my puberty, hormones also played a big role in my state of mind, during pregnancy they celebrated high tide. I was not really nice company, I felt misunderstood and alone.
In the second pregnancy I fell off the kilograms the first few weeks through the many spitting. After 20 weeks this was finally over. Unfortunately, I got other ailments, especially hard bellies. And not one or two, but it was intense and lasted for a long time. Because of this I was not allowed to do anything anymore from 24 weeks, bed rest was the advice.
Super chill, I thought, reading in bed and watching Netflix. After one day I was already done with it. Depp, my 2,5-year-old son wanted to play with mom and that was not possible. Almost every weekend I was having contractions at the CTG. I felt terribly miserable and sad. Where in the first pregnancy I still got away with days of idleness and lying on the couch it did not work this time. If you have a baby walking around, everything is a lot different.
But I did not want anything and could not do anything. On the one hand, I had to go outside and walk, on the other hand every effort brought misery and I could come back to the midwife. I did cook for my family, but I had no appetite at all. Putting on clothes, showering and starting the day was a challenge. I just wanted to lie in bed and sleep.
Because of all the misery of the first pregnancy I was in control in the hospital and not in the regular midwife, I knew every midwife and almost all nurses. All in all, I have been admitted three times and I also have to make about 12 visits to the department.
I thought I was pregnant, I felt terrible and sad, alone and misunderstood. Because yes, you have to be happy when you are pregnant, right?
What did I have to complain about? A sweet man and son, everything went well! I had to be happy that I was pregnant, because some people can not have children at all. I just had to do something, just get out of bed and just enjoy. That was often also so to speak.
The third time I was admitted for lung maturation and painkillers I woke up every morning crying. At half past seven in the morning I got my medication, the fact that I was awake and had a whole day ahead of me that the tears came. How the hell did I have to do that?
I decided I just could not, I was up and totally through it. These feelings were so dark and big, I could not.
Crying I told the nurse that I did not remember. Later that day a psychiatrist was standing next to my bed with his co-assistants. We had a long and personal conversation. At the end he said, well this is now a textbook example of a major depression. That was confronting, but also nice.
I had 'really' what, it was not between my ears, well actually the problem was literally between my ears, but I was sick. Very sick.
In the meantime my problem had also been signaled by the midwives. In my file it was said that I was in trouble and had depressive feelings. With great difficulty I dragged myself to the beautician, I let my nails and eyelashes in the hope that I would feel better about myself. This did not help anyway.
The reaction of the midwife: well you look fantastic, I expected a totally different type, you do not look like someone with depressive feelings. My mouth was open in surprise, although pregnancy depressions are common, even for professionals unknown territory.
I decided to come to my pajamas next time, hoping to be taken seriously to get a date for an introduction so that it stopped.
The only thing I wanted was not to be pregnant anymore, I wanted my baby but I did not want to. I did not want to feel like that anymore, I wanted to be myself again. Every time I asked for a date to be initiated. Every time I got contractions, I hoped it would continue. I ended up in hospital three times because they thought that I was really giving birth now and it did not happen every time.
I went back home. As the midwife says, I think you are now giving birth and it is not that a reasonable anticlimax.
Until the last time, my hard bellies arrived nicely every 3 minutes. To my surprise, I had another obstetrician who we did not even know. I was stripped during an internal examination, which she did without any notice.
It did not bother me, she was allowed to pick the baby out at that moment, I could not anymore. I was completely apathetic on the table.
She was surprised that I did not give a shot. "The cake is on, is not it?" She said. I nodded crying yes. "I have stripped you, if nothing happens tonight you will come back tomorrow morning, then we will lead you in."
The relief I felt then can not be described, it was finished. The end was finally in sight, after all these times begging to lead in, this midwife spoke the redeeming words.
That night I realized that I was only busy with not wanting to be pregnant anymore. And now, now a child arrives. Do I like that child? Am I going to blame her?
I was hysterical. I had my mother pick up my son, the idea that he was no longer the only one and I had left him so in the last months my heart tore. I wanted to sleep and let it be as soon as possible tomorrow.
The next morning we were allowed to come. When my daughter was born, I snatched her from the midwife's hands. The misery was over and it was good.
Joey was more than welcome, very cliché but true, I immediately loved her. My sense of guilt gnawed at me, but fortunately my fears did not become reality.
With the birth of our beautiful daughter, my depression was not immediately gone, but the first steps in the right direction were there. With the help of therapy and medication, I was almost completely better after about 5 months.
After half a year I chose to work again. Sometimes I catch myself saying that I am singing and whistling in the car, then I am so grateful that I have been able to leave that dark time with depressive feelings and I am just like myself and a happy mother.
Have you also experienced something that you would like to share with others? We are very curious about your story! Tell us and share your sadness, joy and experience!