A pregnancy is not always carefree. There are many families where getting pregnant does not work out the same way. It is and remains a miracle to conceive and put a child on the world. This is evident from the following story in which a reader tells us that happiness and sadness are often close to each other.
In Happy expectation
Maybe it was all too good to be true. I immediately became pregnant. We tried it once, a few days before our wedding. I was fertile at the time and thought 'well, try it one time, it probably does not work.' But it was immediately striking. I found out four weeks later. In the meantime, I had a wonderful wedding day (with drinks) and a great honeymoon (with much more liquor).
After my honeymoon, I became ill. Not because of the pregnancy, but really ill. In the meantime, I did not get upset. So I did a pregnancy test and tears got in my eyes of joy when I saw that it was positive. No matter how bad I felt, I rushed to a gift shop to buy an 'I love dad mug' for my husband. The only thing he could bring out was: "Huh ?! Already?!'.
The following weeks were a change of joy about my pregnancy and feeling very sick: from coughing for days, to an ear infection and then to a complicated respiratory tract infection for which an antibiotic treatment was required. I was told every time that it would not be harmful for the baby. 'Your baby is one of the most aggressive parasites', a general practitioner joked,' it stays nice even if you are very ill yourself; you probably survive. " I nodded reassuredly.
When I was 5 weeks pregnant, I told my parents. They were in the seventh heaven. My oldest sister has 2 children aged 10 and 8. This meant that my parents had been waiting for 8 years for a new grandchild.
In addition, my news came at a good time. A few months ago we cremated my brother. So their child. It was a sadness that was still felt in a dark and empty spot in our hearts.
My news felt like a sunbeam. We had lived in the shade and were now gently warmed by a ray of hope. A new life.
Of course I could not wait long to make my sisters happy. I did that a week later. My oldest sister did a joy dance and my youngest sister smiled broadly with goose bumps on her arms.
I went all the way in my pregnancy and had 3 different apps on my phone. I also read the texts from the pregnancy calendar of pennea.org every week. On post-its I described the most important developments of my baby and what I could expect physically myself. I stuck this in my diary until the 16th week of my pregnancy.
I liked this. Especially to see how my baby developed every week. Which goes really fast. In a few weeks the child changed from a scoop of cells to a small shrimp with hands.
The first echo
At the moment that I was 8 weeks pregnant, I received my first ultrasound. 'Today we will finally hear and see our baby!' I said to my husband as I squeezed his hand full of excitement. My husband also thought it was super exciting and was already making plans for the baby room.
We went there. I lay on the chair and my husband was sitting next to me. As the midwife rubbed my belly, we looked at the screen full of anticipation. There was nothing to see except a white / gray fog. She pushed and moved even more, but nothing came. I glanced sideways at her face to see if I could notice a trace of anxiety, but she looked calm. "I can not find it for a while," she said, "but that happens more often. If you do not mind, I will make an internal ultrasound. Fine of course, I wanted to see my baby.
Tensely I lay down again, convinced that we would quickly hear a beating heart. But she did not find it fast, she kept looking and searching. I looked back at her face again and saw a worrying frown.
My heart stopped for a moment. "I'm sorry," she said finally, "I only see an empty fruit bag. There is no fruit in it. That's very annoying. "
I swallowed and blinked my eyes. I felt the warm hand of my husband resting on mine. 'Dress up for a while, then we continue talking', she said.
The biggest disappointment ever
Once she was dressed, she showed us the photo of the ultrasound. A black circle was visible in an oasis of white / gray. I felt empty, confused and bewildered. 'The fruit probably died quite early, but the fruit sac is still left. That is why you still suffer from pregnancy hormones. I find it very annoying for you. "
I stared at the photo and tried to keep myself in check. It was quiet for a moment. She looked at me. 'You do not have to keep up with me'. And then the tears came.
The midwife suggested to look at it for another week. Maybe my body would repel the amniotic sac itself. Then she would make an appointment for me at the gynecologist. He would do an ultrasound. If they were 100% sure that there was no fruit in it, I got a vaginal pill. This pill would induce contractions that hopefully would repel the amniotic sac. But if I want to be referred to earlier, I could always call her. I just had to think about it.
"How do you feel yourself?" A question that my parents, sisters and best friends asked me. Well, how do I feel? I think this is one of the biggest disappointments I will ever experience.
In my head I had made a world, a little world with baby.
In my head I had already flushed my pregnancy 10 times. When I was 11 weeks old I would tell my other family, at Christmas I would be 22 weeks pregnant, with my father's birthday I would almost recover. But that did not happen anymore now. My whole dream world collapsed with a bang. As if a cannonball was shot through. A thunderbolt, a shock.
What was the cause of my first miscarriage?
Maybe I could have known because I had been so sick. Was that the cause? Or were the many drinks on the honeymoon the cause? Everything seems suspicious. That 8 weeks pregnancy now felt like lost time. I even wanted my body to have rejected it all earlier so that I could start again. When I said that to my husband, he said, "It is not a race, we have time."
But I was disappointed. What I knew for sure was that I did not wait another week. I wanted that stupid little fruit bag out of my body right now. So I called my midwife. I could go two days later. Then I walked to my office and yanked out all post-its about the pregnancy and threw them away. That is now a thing of the past.
When the disappointment drags you to a deep valley, your sadness and defeat will feel like a thick fog hanging around you. I did not feel that I had suffered a loss. I had never heard the heart or felt the baby.
What I mainly felt was a big disappointment.
As if you are eager to finally get something you've been dreaming of for years, only to find out that you will not get it tomorrow, but only in a year. Frustrating, a little angry, desperate and defeated. You thought you won the race, but you are unexpectedly disqualified. You have to start again.
Fortunately, I can put things in perspective fairly well. Of course I would have preferred that there was no miscarriage, but it could also have been worse. I could have had a miscarriage after 16 weeks, 20 weeks or worse: losing my baby after 38 weeks of pregnancy. In addition, there is also good news: I know that I am fertile and that my husband has good seed. To rationalize it completely: the fruit just was not good. It could never have survived and that is why nature has solved it and I got this miscarriage.
Now it is a matter of waiting, trying again and hopefully it will all work out. It only takes a little longer. And that 'something longer' is difficult to accept at the beginning. Every day is too long. Every week seems like a year. How the hell am I going to get through that time? Spend the time until the moment comes when we can try again? That seems to take centuries now and I keep feeling that I could have been much further.
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