It all started a few years ago in 2006. We have a desire for children. It is difficult to get pregnant if you do not have a cycle as a woman, so we go to the CWZ in Nijmegen.
When we sit in the waiting room, we see our aunt sitting there, we panick Ojee we have to tell her nothing by telling Dad! It must remain a surprise !! Auntie thought it was very exciting and wished our success and would keep it to herself.
After all blood tests and mri of my pituitary gland the doctor said; your prolactin is what increases, but the mri is ok so just go down 10 pounds and then come back.
After that appointment, it quickly went downhill with my health. I all got vague complaints such as headache, aching muscles, joints and connective tissue, unable to concentrate and became incapacitated. See next to all this yet again to fall off. During a rehabilitation program, my taxability was still so low that even their nothing could mean something to me. As long as complaints remain inexplicable, you will soon end up in the psychiatric world. After 3 years of visiting social workers, it continued to go worse and I demanded that I be forwarded to an internist. Then I was completely fooled by my doctor and even got a diagnosis of hypochondria. I was furious, but I have my reference !!
I went to the Radboud in Nijmegen. After an extensive interview, the internist knew immediately that he had to look for the hormone system. After having retrieved all my medical data and having the CWZ mri look good again by having a neurosurgeon and having left a literal blood, the result was after two weeks: Ms. you are really missing something and it is indeed between your ears to be even more precise between your eyes. There are adenomas (benign tumors) on your pituitary gland that make you feel unwell because there is nothing wrong with your hormone system. Then the treatment with the endocrinologist started within 3 months, I had my cycle again for the first time in 10 years. My physical symptoms also decreased and I was able to regain some condition and the kilos flew off. Then there was talk about contraception to which we indicated we have a terrible desire for children. Can I get pregnant? Yes the answer was !!! Can I also still breast-feed? Yes you can, but you will remain under strict control of me, because it increases the chance that the tumor will grow again.
Immediately changed from GP to home. I did not have to think about ever having to go to that silly man and certainly not if I were in happy expectation.
Half a year passed I had a super cycle, but why am I still not pregnant? Then I was tired of trying, away with keeping the cycle, away with the tests. Hope to be given up! Time later, my mother was on a visit and you have already done a test? ... ??? ... How do you get there? Yes she said; I think you are pregnant. That week my partner and I have our heads broken over when the last menstruation was. Suddenly I came there 12 Oct 2010 was the first day of my last menstruation I screamed "I'm going to get a test !!" After doing the test I came crying to my partner, he was shocked and I started the tears to laugh and said CONGRATULATIONS YOU WILL BE DADDY and you never guess what the due date is ???? Your birthday!! July 19, 2011.
10 weeks later to the midwife. Of course sitting in front of fantasizing what we want to give birth at home seemed great to me because my son now 11 years it was not fun in the hospital. During the intake we quickly found out that I had to check with the gynecologist in the hospital, because my first child was a little one (a too small but full-sized child) 2100gr he was. That was a setback just a day against home delivery. Then came the next; Which hospital are we going to? We opted for Rijnstate in Arnhem. The first ultrasound was still made by the midwife and said I am on a different due date, but let them determine the date in the Rijnstate because I do not know. Startled and not sure we left the obstetric practice. I told my partner (who is not the father of my eldest son) that was also a problem with my eldest son.
The first check in the hospital was on January 5, 2011 the due date was set on July 21, 2011, that was only 2 days difference, everything was fine. On February 21. We were told that they had decided to put my pregnancy under control with a specially trained doctor in complicated pregnancies, especially with a view to my pituitary gland. We were also told at that appointment that there was already a growth retardation.
The twenty-week ultrasound. Exciting now we can know if it will be a boy or a girl. Before the ultrasound began, I said to my partner "Do not sit sniffing this time" he had tears in his eyes with every previous ultrasound. I found this echo so special that you did not have it 11 years ago, so beautiful to see all those organs. Everything looked good only she came on a due date of July 23, 2011 so again a few days difference. My thought was that if it continues like this, it will be born on the birthday of my son July 27 giggle. Then came the question if you want to know what it is the answer was clearly YES very much !! After just trying to turn the baby so we could see it, the tension rose very high because my son cocked his legs at the echoes, but then you came expecting a girl and I broke into sobs !!! O what I had hoped for there first a boy and now a girl! My partner of course right "who should not snot hahaha now"
On the way home bought a gift for grandpa and for the big brother. Of course in the color pink. Both grew proudly a small daughter, a sister !!
My sister-in-law said you are not going to do everything pink anyway? You also have other nice colors and we said that this is our Girl, girl and everything pink!
On 4th of April the first check with the special doctor was again a comprehensive ultrasound was made with a dopler looked how the blood supply was and she said right that is not good your blood vessels have not adjusted to pregnancy and are too weak, but the placenta and the umbilical cord are doing well. Also the due date was again estimated a few days later now on July 26, 2011 when I really started to worry and the doctor said as long as the placenta continues to do well, it will be fine.
On May 3 a new check it went well with my energy had room ready, nice clothes bought etc ... everything pink of course! Again an extensive echo all measurements made, also the dopler placenta was still good. It was even more special because my son had a holiday and was there, he found it very interesting but did not understand it so the doctor showed him some things and printed a very nice picture, the pride of the big brother you saw growing again. After the measurements were viewed on the pc, the doctor said that she is really very small, but if she would grow in her line it would be okay. I still asked her what if she was going off her line, then what? Well she says you do not have to worry about that now because the placenta is still good. This was with 28 weeks and 5 days of pregnancy.
On May 24 started already in the morning I was very sick very much vomiting as if there was no end. Later in the day I also had a terrible headache. I had to sit in the shower and did not get away from it for the first few hours. I thought you were too busy the last days. You have to keep your nesting control under control. I was cleaning, washing, ironing half the house. I have been too busy !! Next morning, I was slightly refurbished again and noticed that I felt less alive until now. In the afternoon I still had to check.
On May 25, 2011 after a day and a night to be quite miserable, I come to check with the doctor first roads I am 3 times on the scale because I was suddenly lost 3 kilos and my blood pressure was increased. I told the doctor that yesterday and tonight I had been pretty sick, but that it was going on again and also that I felt less alive, but that I knew when you're sick the baby can be calmer, so I'm not that worried she said we're going to look soon.
She starts the ultrasound and she looks 1x, she looks again and again. Then she put the device away and took my hand and I thought; what are you doing? You are not ready yet I have not seen the heart yet ??? She said your child has died .... Pardon you are not ready yet I have not seen the heart yet ... once again she said your child has died ... WHAT ??? Have you looked well I have not seen the heart yet and I look at my partner and he says with tears in his eyes the heart can not see you anymore, the heart is no longer right. As if you were sucked into a bottomless pit. Totally stunned right in the control mode I asked and now ???? The doctor said I want to measure the baby first. I said as she is called Emmy-Lou and from that moment on she was no longer, but she was mentioned by her name from that moment on. Emmy-Lou the name of our Girl, girl.
After measuring, it appeared that she had not really grown since the last check, but there was still function in the placenta. Then there was thought of a possible pregnancy poisoning because I had been so sick. It was not that. Then it had to be decided when I would be introduced that was the biggest shock because idd she is still in my stomach. Right after that I brought out but that means that if she is born I will not hear her! There was the realization my Emmy-Lou would never make a sound, never this and never that. It was decided that on Saturday I would report the 28th to the delivery rooms. This day I had chosen because then the nurse who took us next to the doctors would then have service then you already have one familiar face.
The next day, the municipality called the next question; I am pregnant but yesterday we have been told that our child is deceased we can still arrange the recognition. Answer very briefly NO you are too late. With a lump in my throat again the story with in the back she is not born yet. Answer No I do not think so, but I put you on the loudspeaker, so my colleagues can decide. Again the story explained, big discussion in the background no, that really can not come between a colleague, I again, but she is not born yet. Then said the colleague who came in last o, but if she is not born yet then there is no problem. Jump right into the car and come here and wait for you do not forget your passport. We in the car on the town house completely relieved now she would still be called van den Berg. At the town hall we were greeted idd and in the chapel of the town hall I was a bit over the top, I thought, but he meant it well.
Then it was Friday and suddenly I got a call from my new doctor. She had heard from the gynecologist what had happened and wanted to drop by. Fine, she has been a very nice conversation. Then I remembered that I am happy with my family doctor. I should not have thought about having that silly on my doorstep in this situation.
Then it broke on Saturday. We were received in the Rijnstate by the nurse we already knew. Then the protocol will work. A wish list has been filled in very precisely so that when changing service, the same questions are not always received. The risks were also explained.
At 11 o'clock the first tablet was inserted and then it was waiting. And wait again. We could walk around all day walking around and we went for a walk in the hospital restaurant. The whole day together with my partner spent a lot of talking all wishes, fears and worries well taken. It was not until 3:00 PM that the contractions started to rise well at 5.30 pm the contractions came every minute and lasted for a minute and a half. At 19:30 it was looked at how I stood for it. I thought I had already had a lot of contractions. I have to be far anyway. Nothing!!!! Nothing was happening yet !! Then courage sank me in the shoes I wanted to be strong and not pain relief, but then I was still advised to take a spinal puncture I was so upset that I could not catch the contractions well so that decision was quickly taken at 21: 00 was the spinal puncture in it and could rest until 22:30 then the alarm from the pump to which the spinal puncture was connected was off. So you see that it is also a whole package for nurses she had put the plug in the wrong pump so the battery was empty of this pump. My partner had quickly changed the plug and the alarm stopped. By 23:00 I started to feel the contractions again and I became angry with my partner. You should have called the nurse who does not work anymore !! At 23:00 the doctor came again to see how I stood and I told them that the spine was worked out where she said that can not but your contractions are more intense. After the check she only said 2 cm. Then there was a new boost of the spinal puncture and there was still some rumors. My partner went downstairs to smoke another cigarette but it seemed to take hours before he came back because I thought that the epidural did not think of the alarm bell. I got angry again when he came back and he immediately went to get the nursing. Nursing immediately took the doctor along. My partner could just pull off his coat before he caught our Emmy-Lou herself when she was born at 0:33. She was born entirely in the membranes my partner broke the membranes and cut the umbilical cord. Less than two seconds later, the placenta had already come loose, which is a great miracle because normally with such an early birth that part seems to be the biggest problem. Until the placenta was there was a lot clear that this was far too small with this placenta she could never have continued to grow.
On our wish list was that I wanted to see Emmy-Lou only when she was wearing her clothes and wrapped in her cloth. My partner has made her foot and hand prints and dressed her. Meanwhile I had a lot of trouble keeping my body under control. I was shaking. I had no control over which muscle in my body. In the meantime I was enjoying how my partner and the nurse were tugging with our girl. When I saw my girl-girl for the first time, I thought she was a real Girl, her red lipsticks were gorgeous, they were the same as her big brother and then pink it was great! The delivery was just beautiful in one word !!
But when things went wrong I asked what now I can keep her hard the rest of the time even if I want to. The nurse said she also goes to the cooling. PANIC!! That was not the agreement that was not on our wish list. My partner saw the panic and told the nurse your colleague had put a basket ready and she would stay with us in the room. Then the discussion followed whether she would fit in, to which my partner said let's just try. And if she fit in when the basket was made to measure for her. The next night I did not close my eyes anymore, I just looked at her and asked me how did she get that nose? The next morning Foundation Make a Memory would come to make photos of her. Then we went home with the three of us basket. A beautiful quilt that we had received in the department covered her. When we arrived home we put her in her own pink bed with her own pink princess room and made some beautiful pictures. That evening we went to see her with her big brother and he said goodbye to her. Yet he is very proud to be her big brother because she is so beautiful.
Because she is at home you still have the chance to take care of your child, even if it is not in the way that was planned. But on Wednesday evening before we went to bed again to see if everything was okay with her we were together at her bed and said it's time to let her go, but on Thursday it was Ascension so she would only be cremated Friday.
Friday, June 3, 2011 was suddenly all pink, everyone was pink dressed the flowers were all pink the service was beautiful. We proudly said goodbye to our Girl, girl Emmy-Lou, as proud parents. At the coffee was rusk eaten with mice next following the farewell of friends and family also our aunt I saw her and said full of tears we finally succeeded! Yes she said you remember?
Now we are empty at home, defeated, sad, despair all feelings at the same time of which you think how I survive so much pain, is it ever less?