Fall in love again ... with children

It has been a while since your relationship ended. You have passed the separation well and also the children seem to have processed everything well. In short, life has regained its normal rhythm and the peace in your life has returned. But maybe it's a bit too much rest? It starts to itch. Is it due to the weather? The time of the year? Gradually you start to wonder how it would be with a new love in your life ... You are in love again, but this time there are children. How do you handle this?

Get up and start again

Not everyone is able to start all over again after the divorce. Some remain stuck in the sadness of having lost their loved one, or have the feeling of having failed. As a result, you are not able to open your heart to others again, but it may also be that you deliberately keep your heart locked, so that you will never again feel that pain of abandonment. Time can heal many wounds, but not all of them ... Fortunately, sadness can also make you stronger, but how do you best get through this period without much tear?

Ask for help

Dare to ask for help. You do not have to be tough at all and push your feelings away. It is quite normal that you are sad the first period after a divorce. Even if it was your decision to put an end to the relationship, even then you are entitled to your grief and comfort! Men often feel more comfortable by listening to others with pain, while women prefer to tell their story.

Mourn

Take the time to process your loss and grief. Memories play an important role in this. They may evoke painful feelings but are also able to recall the beautiful moments. These kind of good feelings enable you to easily forgive any mistakes and to feel love in your heart again. Forgiveness plays an important role. Not for that other person, but for yourself. Only when you can forget the other, you will be able to heal your heart.

Become complete

Do not rush into a following relationship, but allow yourself time to become a complete person again. Try to find out who you are first! Where are your limits? What do you want in life? What is important to you? Try to find peace and happiness in yourself first. It sounds really crazy, but the best moment to start a new relationship is the moment when you realize that you can only go further.

What brings about love

Love is an energy flow. If you would like a new partner, it is wise to consider a universal law: 'The law of attraction.' The same applies to this law: energy attracts the same energy. In order to activate the law of attraction, it is important to know the difference between desires of the ego and desires of the soul. Wishing from the soul can make the connection with the right frequency.

Dating after a divorce

When you start dating, of course you determine yourself. You feel good enough when you are ready. Be as honest as possible. When dating through the internet, it is rather easy to change something and prevent yourself from doing something else. But why would you? If, for example, you are not looking for a permanent relationship, but more for a temporary flirtation, you can just as easily place it. Conversely, of course.

Honest

By being honest, you are most likely to find what you are looking for. So you can also very well indicate that you are looking for something friendly. And who knows what can eventually come from the friendship ... but that does not have to be the first requirement.
Keep in mind that unfortunately not everyone on the internet is equally reliable in providing information. A fake profile is made quickly.

Children and a new relationship

You have succeeded ... you have found a new partner. Of course there are enough children who can handle a new partner well, they can sometimes even be relieved because they have to feel less responsible about your well-being. But it can of course also be a little more difficult. There may be several reasons for this. The most obvious reason may be that, for example, it does not click between the children and your new partner.

Difficulty with changes

However, your children may still have some difficulty with the separation and any changes that resulted from this. They may be afraid of losing you to this partner ... Or having a conscience conflict, that they betray the other parent if they would embrace your new partner. Or ... see the new partner as a jammer, as a result of which the relationship with your ex will no longer be okay.

In love? Keep in mind their feelings

It is important that you talk well with your child (ren) and take into account their feelings, without letting them determine the rules or the tempo. In the beginning of the new relationship, it may be wise not to involve your children here. After all, the relationship is still very early and it can go in all directions. But even if you think you know for certain that this relationship will last forever, it is advisable to carefully prepare your children for this. Allow all parties to get used to the relationship slowly and build up.

Slowly a bit more

Just tell your children in the beginning that you have met someone who you like. In the period after that, slowly but surely more can be told. Eventually there will be the moment that your partner and your children get to know each other. This is best done on neutral terrain, for example during a day out. However, keep in mind that children might not like it at all ... Suddenly they see that 'the other' is quite important to you. That can mean a lot of uncertainty and confusion and express yourself in undesirable behavior.

Appropriate distance

Try to keep a suitable distance during this trip. It can be difficult and intimidating for a child to suddenly see you hugging in the arms of someone else. Just let him get used to it and give your child that opportunity. Try to find a good balance between attention to your new partner and your children. Of course it is important that you continue to talk to your children about the role of this partner and that your gathering has no influence whatsoever on your love and relationship with your child! After all, that does not change anything and it is very important that your children really start to feel this themselves.

Mutual children

There may also be children from the other party, then there will come a time when they will meet. Prepare your children well in advance. Talk about it, show pictures. Of course, your new partner always has to be with you everywhere. Even after finding your new love it is very nice to just do something with the children! These kinds of fun trips can of course continue. Just like nice trips with the whole family together.
Eventually your children will definitely get used to your new partner, but keep on talking and being open to their uncertainties, thoughts and sadness.

In conversation with Derk

NameDerk
Age42 years old
ProvinceFriesland
Marital statusSingle
Number of children3
Relationship endedOne and a half year ago

How old are your children?

I have three girls of 6, 14 and 20 years. The oldest (actually my stepdaughter) already lives on his own. The middle lives with me and the youngest lives with her mother. With the youngest there is a co-parenting.

What are you looking for in a new partner? Are you paying attention to specific characteristics now that your children have?

I think I can honestly find that in my partner that I could not or could not find in the previous relationship. Probably that applies to more singles who are open to a new relationship. Because I am a pedagogue by profession, I am very focused on how my children feel about a new relationship. Sometimes that is a disadvantage because I am too careful but it also has advantages. What I find important is that they should feel comfortable. I will rather take into account how they feel below what I think or want. But in spite of that, I assume that if all goes well, it will all go automatically. Furthermore, I am not looking for a mother for my children because they already have them. I separate those roles expleciet and think that is important.

When do you involve your children in a newly found love?

If I feel that it is good and goes well. Although I have a bad experience with a past relationship, I do not want to let myself be influenced negatively. I am a bit more cautious about involving my children in a relationship. Ultimately, you do not want them to have to go through a sort of divorce again when the new relationship is not going strong enough. It is my experience that children can attach quickly, and certainly if something new and exciting. With that data I'm going to be a bit more cautious.

What do you do when it turns out that your children do not see your new love at all?

I talk a lot, both with my kids and with my partner. I would like to know why they do not see the new love, and to what extent this affects them negatively. I will also discuss this with my partner and see if we can all come together. Only when it really does not go then will this ultimately do the relationship no good.
But before I introduce my new love to my children, I already know that it also comes between their good. The possible problems are not so much in the acceptance of a new partner, but rather if there are other children with whom it does not click.

Do you consciously choose a partner who also has children? Or not?

I do not consciously choose that. I did have a short relationship with a lady with children where her son caused a lot of unrest among my girls. This boy had ADHD, was very dominant and slightly autistic. Although I can of course deal with this professionally, I prefer not to be in a relationship. Not for myself and not for my girls. It played too big a role in a still fresh relationship. In the end I ended the relationship. Sometimes my girls are talking about the fact that they did not like the boy at all, but that they were allowed to.

Particularities

I have previously been on a dating site and also put my profession into my profile. I got a lot of reactions with all sorts of educational questions so I did not do that now ... hahaha!

In conversation with Erik

NameErik
Age46 years old
ProvinceSouth-Holland
Marital statusSeparated
Number of children3
Relationship endedThree years ago

How old are your children?

My children are 15, 18 and 20 years old (3 boys). The youngest lives permanently with me, the two elders with their mother. Once every fortnight the youngest goes to his mother for a weekend and then the two elders come to me for a few days. That is actually fine.

What are you looking for in a new partner? Are you paying attention to specific characteristics now that your children have?

In principle I am not looking for a new relationship, someone to email and to go out for a night out. The most important thing is that it clicks well in all respects, and that is not easy (the well-known backpack).

When do you involve your children in a newly found love?

I have informed the children about a relationship (which I have had) when it was going on for a few months. They knew that for a long time, of course, but still ...

What do you do when it turns out that your children do not see your new love at all?

I have also experienced that. The oldest 2 did not see my girlfriend sitting and her son did not see me. I explained that in addition to my life with their (my children) there should also be room for a life of myself and that friend fitted in that.

Do you consciously choose a partner who also has children? Or not?

I do not choose consciously with or without children, I choose the person I think I can handle. Kids do not brush you away. Without children is useful, but then there is often a desire to have children. I am ready and I do not want a second leg either. Apart from that it is not technically possible.

Video: Why We Fall in Love. Little Kids. Big Questions.

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