Dealing with grief ... is that a good way?
You are pregnant, hurray! The first critical weeks are over and everyone can now know!
So desired ...
Maybe you have had to wait a long time to get pregnant or maybe it was even unexpected. But the child is desired, very much desired and together with your partner you are looking forward to the arrival of this new person. You fantasize about how he (or she) is going to look and you spend hours talking about the choice of the name.
You have appointments with a midwife, you live to the big moment - 'the due date', and sometimes you can not resist the temptation to buy such a super cute baby suit.
The pink cloud is black ...
And then suddenly the ground disappears under your feet ... Your child is dead! Your pink cloud has disappeared in one blow, in fact, it is black, pitch black ... and it is difficult to discover a tiny bright spot somewhere.
You hold the lifeless body in your arms, close to you. Your stomach shrinks, your breath lingers in your throat. The tears run down your cheeks and drip on his little face. You are intensely sad, but also deeply filled with pride. Because what is that little person beautiful ... You gently caress his tiny little fingers and admire those little perfect nails. You stroke his black curly hairs and smiles when you see that funny snub nose. The tears stop streaming for a moment when you see so many beautiful things, until you realize that you have to say goodbye. Saying goodbye to a part of yourself? But that is not possible at all?
When you have to say goodbye to your child, you swing from one emotion to another. During your pregnancy you can read books on how to prepare for childbirth, breastfeeding, and the arrival of your baby in general. You are almost buried under the preparation lists and other well-intentioned checklists.
Pregnancy courses, pelvic floor training, puff classes ... everything to make the arrival of your child as easy as possible. But there is no book or manual and certainly no course that can prepare you for the loss of a child. And let's be honest, during your pregnancy you do not want to read about it at all?
After all, you are pregnant, and a baby is born out of a pregnancy, and that is what you will take care of for the rest of your life. We see that in all those books? And luckily, of course, it goes very well, but sometimes not.
When your child is born lifeless for whatever reason, you do not have time to prepare, you are only overwhelmed with immense grief. But how do you deal with this grief?
When you unexpectedly have to say goodbye to your child, you may have a strange reaction from your environment. Many parents of a deceased child hear that 'the grief automatically turns over again because time heals all wounds'. Or that the loss of a newborn baby is 'less serious than the death of an adult child', because you would not have built up a band ...?
There are people who do not realize that the grief and pain of your deceased child is unique and very intense.
'... But is your child really buried? Like a real funeral? Then it is certainly a very small box ... '
"... Just be glad he died now. If he laughed at you once, it's all harder ... "
'... You are still young, you can have other children ...'
Dealing with sadness
The loss of a child is the most unnatural experience a person can have. Parents should not bury their children.
Continuing after the death of your child is like life after a world disaster. Everyone affected by this chooses his own survival strategy. The one in his work, the other in silence, but sooner or later the confrontation comes and then the mourning really starts.
Mourning is a process of fighting for a long time, day and night. The grief and pain you carry with you for the rest of your life, it is the intensity that changes over the years. Mourning is the process whereby the grief for the loss of your baby gradually becomes more bearable. This process involves ups and downs. Anyone affected by this fate will have short (er) or long (er) moments of intense grief and homesickness to his child.
Mourning is a personal process. Everyone goes differently and out of his sadness in a different way. The same way, therefore, does not exist. One person has a great need to talk about the loss, the other prefers to keep it to himself, while others can only cry.
Men and women show their emotions in different ways and at different times. Try to talk to each other about what you feel and keep busy. Even if you deal with it in a different way, you can support each other. After all, you both experience this great emptiness and you will both carry this loss for life.
Replacement children do not exist
Almost every parent who has lost a child knows: replacement children do not exist. In the past, people sometimes thought that a new pregnancy was the best remedy for the pain. And nowadays you also come across these (painful) suggestions. However, the 'replacement child' can block the grieving process; at a later time (for example, after the birth of a healthy child) it will return with great intensity.
Guilt and talk
Some parents suffer from feelings of guilt: 'Did not I ...', 'If I do not ...'. Deep inside you really know that it did not matter, but those feelings of guilt gnaw at you.
Talk about this with your partner, friends, family, doctors, nurses and / or other emergency services. You may notice that you can not go to grief with some of your friends and / or family members - many do not know how to behave. They are ashamed, do not dare to ask about your child. While you just want to talk about your child! Do not, therefore, avoid the conversation, do not keep your child dead and just start the conversation yourself.
However, if you can not go to anyone with your story, or if the grief blocks you in such a way that normal functioning is impossible, you can consider professional help. Discuss this with your doctor or midwife, they can inform you about this.
Yet you always belong
Music is emotion ... Music is inextricably linked to feeling and there is no better way than to express your feelings with notes, instead of words. But a combination of the right notes and words can only really work wonders ...
Vadersen Moeders found KSK Productions, Wieteke van Dort, Tom Pearce, Hans Meijer and music studio The Box ready - completely disinterested, but full of enthusiasm and conviction - especially for our little angels to release a song.
A unique concept that has been developed into a wonderful result. Yet you always belong is a song specially written for babies who have to say goodbye to us before, during or just after the delivery ...
Because we in no way want to earn from this great grief, this song is free (legally) to download from us.
Loss of a grandchild - The double sadness of grandfathers and grandmothers
You feel tears of happiness in your eyes, while you look at the little black and white picture in your hands. Your daughter just gave it to you ... a print of the echo. It took a while before you realized exactly what your daughter wanted to tell you: You become grandma and grandpa!
The feeling that passes through is perhaps even more special when you were pregnant at the time. Your child now has a child! Life is passed on and in addition to your role of father or mother, you get an extra role or honorary title: Grandpa or Grandma!