Carolien tells in a moving way about the difficult farewell of her daughter Esmée. Who has been taken away from life too soon. Esmee has not been three years old ...
She has beautifully shaped the whole story on the website www.humpeltje.nl.
A nice tribute to her deceased daughter.
On Thursday, February 16, 2006, I put a healthy baby in bed in the evening; she never woke up again.
On the morning of Friday, February 17th around 8:30 am I walked into the nursery, because I heard the youngest (Vera 1.5 yr). In the room I heard a strange hum. I looked in that direction and saw that there was something about Esmée, there was a dark spot near her face. I switched on the light and saw Esmée shake half-sided, with eyes turned away, in the spit of brown blood. It felt wrong, very wrong. She seemed deeply insane. Her head, there was something very wrong, she was gone!
I called 112. In the hospital she was brought into the children's ward. Soon she went to intensive care for ventilation. Afterwards she was taken to the children's IC in the Radboud hospital. Never have her eyes been opened any more. After 3.5 days the ventilation is stopped .... My dear little girl died on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 11:16 pm. My child, my child, what would I have liked to keep with you.
We picked up the bag at the Radboudhotel, went to the phone, had something to eat and drink. Then I washed Esmée and put on her pajamas. Now that the glue was out of her hair, she looked a bit like my girl again. I was allowed on her lap. Oh, that was incredibly delicious. She was so nice to hang in my arms. So nice to finally be able to hold her, after that days of not being allowed to touch. Then we went home. So defeated, so sad, so empty.
We left and left Es behind in the hospital. Fortunately, she did not have a sheet on her, but lay "almost" asleep in bed.
At the reception we handed in the keys of the room in the Radboud hotel, with the words, I do not need the room anymore, my daughter is dead. What was that unreal to say. My child is dead, just dead, forever.
We walked to the car, and everything goes on, ticket in vending machine, putting money in, to car, so ordinary and so different. We clung to each other, again and again tears, so defeated, so unreal. I said to Sem, I really never want to lose you. Really want to stay with you forever, promise me, promise me that we will stay together. Yes, and we held each other even more firmly. The desperation that rages through you then ... We came by car and went home, an empty quiet house. On the way, I said that dying in the arms of someone who loves you, that that seemed to me the most beautiful way of dying. It just should not have been my child, not Esje, Esje belonged to us!
She was buried on Saturday 25-2.
We are awake early. The first thing I do is unplug the cooler. What is that difficult, feels like I am turning off my child! Feels so unreal, so definitive.
We have done the funeral ourselves. I wanted to talk about my child myself. I really did not want a stranger to say anything about my beautiful girl. This was the last thing I could do for her. My oldest daughter and my parents also spoke. We showed a piece of video of the evening before she fell ill. Then she went into the ground, in the beautiful box, made by grandpa. Oh, girl, we miss you terribly!
Esmée has died of encephalitis (brain inflammation). We had autopsy performed, because brain inflammation is a consequence, not a cause. You get it somewhere.
We really wanted to know, which made our girl sick and died. You usually do not die of brain inflammation, nor does it occur in children.
During the period of sickness, it was thought viral. Well there are so many viruses, that this can not be excluded with 100%. In any case, no virus has been found and all known viruses are excluded. Still, the tissue in the left side of her brain was so deviant that she presumably died of brain inflammation caused by an autoimmune disease. She suddenly started making anti-substances against her own brains. She broke her own head. Because of the epileptic activity in her head, the course has gone extremely fast. The pressure in her head was so great. Everything went broke.
In retrospect, it appeared that she had no stroke, as was thought after the MRI scan.
Esmée has died of something that is not hereditary, not contagious, unavoidable and virtually non-curable. Why exactly my girl? ...
A year ago we did not know anything about the nightmare that awaited us. The whole day my head is full of memories about the previous 16 February:
Es had woken up at night. She wanted to sleep with me. We rarely did that. Now she gave to really need it.
Es was very cuddly. Es gave kisses and kept stroking my cheek with the words: "Emmeemama stroking, eh, yeah, Emmee mommy dear". And I say, Es go to sleep ". She went on unstoppable for one and a half hours with petting.
In retrospect, I think she said goodbye ...
In the morning she was tired, I did not think that was strange, she had been awake for a long time.
Kim went to school, Vera went back to bed after the bath and Es went to watch Teletubbies on the couch. I crawled behind my sewing machine. I was trying to make a Ryan a pair of pants for Es. And a diaper pants for Es (she was not trained at night). I cut an inside of horse's flannel. I cut the horses out of the dust litter and handed them to Es. The next half-year, we occasionally found a piece of dust back in unexpected places.
While I'm sewing, Es sits next to me at the table and grabs her scissors. She only discovered the cutting. She cuts everything into pieces and throws it away. Only a few days later, we discover that she has (almost) cut all her drawings and thrown them away that last morning. She did not need them anymore and she already cleaned up her things, we thought afterwards.
We have been searching for drawings by Es. In the course of months, we sometimes find one in the most unexpected place.
If you die, you're gone, I wanted to share so much with you, In my mind I hear your sweet voice, Then it's quiet again, so quiet,
forever and always and always,
you will never return.
It is empty without you,
so terribly empty,
we miss you intensely.
This is such a pain ...
still enjoy so much together.
I would have seen you grow up,
to get to know you so much.
Why did not you stay,
you belonged to us ...
I see your beautiful face,
your laugh, your jokes, your strokes.
I can almost feel that you are crawling with me,
your warm body against me.
I see your radiant eyes,
feel your soft hairs.
I see you playing, you see running,
feel your kisses and hugs,
your little arms around me ...
you are gone, very far away.
Yet very close, deep in our hearts,
I wanted to share so much with you,
In my mind I hear your sweet voice,
Then it's quiet again, so quiet,