As a parent you do your best to raise your child as well as possible: you surround him with love and safety, you give him norms and values, you give unconditional support and correct where necessary. Many parents follow their heart in this and in an environment where there is a lot of love can go a lot wrong before it is really wrong ... We all have a period when things are not going well, and everyone has problems with his cross toddler or rebellious adolescent. Sometimes such a period takes a long time and slowly you get patient.
You lose your laconic attitude, your nerve endings are exposed and salt is laid on all snails. Before you know it, you and your child will end up in a negative spiral. And you wanted to do it so well ...!
'As a mother you have that primal feeling, that intense connection with your child, so of course you want to do it all right!' Heleen de Hertog, initiator and trainer of How2Talk2Kids in the Netherlands, agrees. As far as our children are concerned, the bar can never be too high: after all, you want the best for your child. In childhood, communication with your child is completely natural: you cuddle, you coo, and you unconsciously confirm his feeling ... "Do you have such a belly, little man?"
When your toddler starts to discover the world and learn to speak, it becomes more difficult. As soon as you correct his behavior, he gives resistance. You walk throughout the day to proclaim "no", to impose restrictions on your child and to unintentionally fight. That is deadly exhausting. The pink baby cloud is quickly passing by and your self-image as a sweet, understanding supermower changes drastically. If it turns out that we can not live up to the image we have of ourselves as a mother, the feeling of guilt comes into being.
Heleen the Duke got the method to communicate effectively with children from How2Talk2Kids to the Netherlands, after she herself spoke with her three small children.
You have to grow in your role as a mother and learn to trust that you are doing well. You have to see it like this: the mother controls her family like a queen bee, and as long as she is doing well, she is also doing well with her supporters. Moms often have to learn again to take good care of themselves, to stand up for themselves and to set limits, to take their place as an individual. A mother does not have to sacrifice herself, not always ready for everyone, and she can safely say "no". When this new self-image is familiar, she gives her child an important lesson for later: Mama is first and foremost a person who needs time and space - just like him.
During the How2Talk2Kids workshops, Heleen trains parents in a different way of communicating with their child.
"Do not underestimate the power of words. Everything you say has a huge impact on your child, positive and negative ... How2Talk2Kids takes the sting of your words and teaches you a number of basic skills that change the contact with your child positively: more understanding, more respect and more results. Educating is hard work and if you are in a difficult parenting phase you can become pretty insecure. Instead of being insecure and stressed, you come up with this method in a positive way, decisive for the day. Who acts according to How2Talk2Kids acts from knowledge and not from emotion; there is no situation that you still get on the shelf. '
Effectively communicate with your child
How2Talk2Kids mainly shows how it can be done. It teaches you to become the parent you want to be - the image that you have with a good parent, a positive self-image. The workshop consists of seven evenings and is given throughout the Netherlands; the method is supported by the book How2Talk2Kids - effective communication with children.
"A child has a great need for recognition of his feeling - he is angry and he wants that cookie, now - but often parents respond immediately with a denial:" Not so angry. No, no, eat first. "Before you know it, your toddler breaks loose in fury and you are in the middle of a conflict.
Appointed the feeling
By naming the feeling of your child you take away the sting: "I see that you are very angry. You really want a cookie. "The child feels that he understands this - feels confirmed in his feeling - and you give him the opportunity to express what is there. He is calm and that is the moment when you can calmly come up with an answer: "If it is cookie time, you may eat a cookie, it is now time for a sandwich. What do you want on your sandwich: jam or peanut butter? "You show your child understanding and respect and give a choice about how something happens (jam or peanut butter), you clearly indicate what your child can expect and what you expect from him. This way you promote cooperative behavior. A pinch of humor in the whole often helps too! "
Mothers want to do it right - and they do! If you run a spanner you realize that you can start with a clean slate any time. If guilt gnaws about a situation that got out of hand - you have screamed unreasonably while you would not do that anymore! - then know that you can always return to that feeling. Even days later, "Do you remember that Mama was so angry about that bar of chocolate last week? I've thought about it again and actually you were right ... Next time I'll listen to you better. " You confirm the feeling of your child, you show respect for his opinion and you admit that you have made a wrong assessment. Your child will certainly respond positively.
How2Talk2Kids teaches you to cope with difficult situations, without tension or stress - it teaches you to become the parent you want to be.
Through the media we are flooded with self-help books, educational programs and experts who mainly tell us what we are doing. But we just want to hear that we are doing well ... Is there such a danger of over-education?
'No, I do not think so. I believe that the media can even make a positive contribution. All parents are insecure and because the media initiates awareness, it becomes easier for parents to express their uncertainties. In the past everything happened in a closed circle - family, family, church - but sharing your uncertainties and experiences is just right. '